December 5, 2016, was the worst night of my life. It was also the longest night.. lasting well over a month. You see— no matter how many times the sun came up or went down, no matter how many times I laid in bed to attempt to sleep, it was still that dreadful night. The light of morning never came, but I had to act like I was fine.
My husband and I are youth pastors in the small town of Farmerville. We love all fifty of our students, and couldn't imagine what life without any of them would be like. That is— until we were forced to live in the new reality of life without one of them. December is a wonderful time of year. The Christmas trees are up and presents begin to pile up underneath. Christmas break is coming, and joy is in everyone’s hearts. On December 4th, our church family gathered for our annual Hanging of the Greens (a.k.a. we eat lots of delicious food, take cute pictures, and decorate the church for Christmas time). Everything was normal. No one had a clue that the next day would change the rest of our lives.
I was resting at the house on Monday, December 5th, knowing I was about to pull an all-nighter. The dreaded night shift at 911 dispatch had finally arrived. I remember taking a nap at around 4:00 PM and planned on getting up at 6:15 to eat dinner and get to the dispatch room around 6:45. That was until I woke up at 5:52 to about 7 emergency vehicles flying by with their sirens loud. I knew it had to be bad, and I rushed to get dressed to go early and help the person working the rest of the day shift.
“There’s a car on fire.”
“The person is inside the car still.”
“Ma’am… ma’am… turn away, don't look at the car. Help is on the way.”
I walked into the office hearing mass chaos over the radios. Who is it? I hope there weren’t any children in there..
Allen showed up around 6:45 to bring me dinner, and he decided to eat with me. Still no name, no information. That is until Allen’s phone rings. His face showed it all….. I knew it was someone we knew. Then you hear it over the radio. UPSO is calling for the coroner. And then they say it. My student’s name over the radio. I freeze. This is not real life. We were just goofing off at the church less than 24 hours ago. She was coming to stay at our house soon. No.. surely I heard it all wrong. But then I look at Allen again, and I know it’s true.
I don’t even remember how someone got to the office so I could leave, I just remember being in our car and riding to the house to be with the family. We just lost a student, a brother just lost a sister, parents just lost a daughter, and our students (our children) just lost a best friend. Like I said, it was the worst night of our lives.
Lexi always lit up the room. She HATED seeing people upset, and she made it her life mission to keep people happy. Well, that life mission was right beside annoying her little brother and introducing Popeyes to China. Lexi had spent the last two months really trying to be the best person she could be. She really started worshiping and dragging her boyfriend to church. I would intentionally play It Is Well in worship because I loved watching her sing and worship with such passion when it came on. Her and her brother, Cross, were two of our own.
We arrived to the house just as they were telling Cross. It was a relief to know that he was alive, but so painful to hear his cries. Time stood still, and there was nothing we could do about it. Allen and I suddenly became strength to everyone around us, but we could not even hold ourselves up. Any advice any pastor had for us felt like garbage.
“Don’t you let anyone see you cry.”
“Your job is to be there for the family and friends.”
“You have to be strong for them.”
“Sleep when you can. Eat when you can.”
You see, no one trains you for these situations. No one tells you how you could end up having to bury a student. No one tells you how much it hurts. And no one tells you how to grieve while still ministering to your people.
No one, aside from Allen, saw how this affected me. I had to quit my job at 911 because I had panic attacks any time the phone rang or an officer asked me for anything. I felt useless. I did not know how to help the family. I didn’t know what to tell the students. I didn’t even know how to help my own husband as he cried himself to sleep at night.
It was a lonely time. When I think of this past December, I can’t even remember Christmas. I just remember the first month without Lexi. Sitting here almost six months later, I realize how God honestly did use me and my husband. We did not have to have words. We demonstrate God’s character and nature when we choose to be with others. Think about the times when you truly sat in God’s presence. Just as His presence provides comfort and safety, so does ours when we allow ourselves to sit with others in their times of need. Presence is powerful. Presence says “I’m here, I love you, and we will get through this together.”
EVERYONE was hurting. We all still hurt. The sting of losing Lexi will never go away until we are all reunited again in Heaven. But although Satan wanted me to feel alone and helpless through the worst of it, I had to realize that no one was alone. The relationships that have grown over the last six months will last a lifetime. The love for Lexi will never die.
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